Thursday, July 16, 2009

Universal Unwritten Laws

Forewarning ! Today's post will be unlike any I've written before. It is a side of me not often exposed strange and quirky, "weird" side, which I usually keep cloistered in the back corners of my mind for fear of being committed.

Last night at dinner, as I munched away on a slice of pizza, I had one of those moments. Haven't totally figured out what causes them but for some unknown reason my jaw malfunctions and in a grand attempt at self mutilation my teeth clamp down firmly upon the flesh on the inside of my cheek, sometimes it's on the inside of my lip but last night the cheek was primary target. Three seconds later another sharp bite at the same exact spot and a minute later yet another savage attack. Why ? Well I've been pondering this dilemma, one of many oddities that befalls mankind. I expostulate that there are high and exalted unwritten laws of the universe, written before time began by powers much greater than the sum of humanity.

To placate these powers that be, one of their unwritten universal law states; When a being bites the inside of their cheek or lip, they are destined to do so multiple times, for to do so once and one time only would throw the universe out of kilter and cause it to collapse in upon itself.

Another unwritten law; While painting, should you dribble paint on the floor it is ordained that you or someone else must and will step in it and said paint shall be tracked across the floor for a distance of no less than 8 feet...preferably more. This must be done to keep peace and harmony on Earth...usually in the farthest northern and southern regions, those areas we refer to as "The Poles".

If a woman has just spent $40 dollars on a fancy French manicure, it is the will of all the forces of nature that something should happen...her cell phone will ring, providing it is safely stashed away at the bottom of a very large and very deep, overstuffed purse or her three year old toddler will tangle, tie and knot his shoelaces around the tail of their long haired Persian cat.
The loud wails of the cat, mingled with the muttered curses of a woman whose lovely manicure is totally ruined will restore the balance between Earth's moon and the planet Venus.

When doing laundry one sock must invariably disappear. We may claim that the washer "ate" the sock, but the truth is that a minuscule black hole appeared in the washer...the vortex is formed by the spinning of the machine during the spin cycle.
As the vortex grows it sucks up one sock. One solidary sock out of a whole load of clothes amazing, but true. This one sock will make it's way across a vast expanse of universe where it will land unceremoniously upon a strange and distant world. A world populated by extremely improvised, one footed creatures.
Such a marvelous and unexplained gift brings considerable joy to these simple creatures and thus good karma flows through the Universe...of course this karma comes in the form of a special electrostatic force that has an uncanny attribute of preventing Golly Wocket Widgets from rusting, if you happen to own a Golly Wocket Widget you'd be most fortunate.

When your mother decides that it is okay, just this once, to give little Bartholomew a stick of gum, at that precise moment the heavens will open, lightening will flash, thunder will crack and little Barry will miraculously manage to chew his gum and at the same time plaster it in his hair, smear it on his shirt, smush it on the arm of the sofa and embed it deeply into the living room carpet. Now this is done only because those benevolent powers get a charge out of seeing you bite your tongue to keep from telling your mother; "Good grief mom, what in blazes were you thinking ? Did you come over to visit and leave your brain at home?" Ah yes, now the powers are very contented indeed. The universe is in balance, planets perfectly aligned ...for the time being...which is approximately 7 seconds and one-three-hundreths of a nano second


  1. LOL! SO true. Gum & paint are worldwide laws!!!

  2. Well - that explains everything!! Now I know where all those socks are too! Wonderful post.

  3. hahahahahah
    love this post, and i can relate to just about every single thing
    except about the little nugget with the gum, but i have in fact seen it done!!!

  4. It's All In The Blog - I forgot to mention that wee little Barry and his stick of chewing gum are on Earth...the heaven's that part, the blinding flash of lightening and ear splitting thunder can't possible happen on would give Barry's mom warning that something catastrophic is about to happen. Instead the great universal powers deem that this phenomena should occur somewhere in the Crab Nebula, on a planet that circles a twin star, the planet is known as "Chiclet" and there upon it's one lone continent grows a forest of trees very similar to Earth's own Chicle Tree (from which chewing gum is derived). Coinencidence ? I think not !

  5. Great post!! How true!!! Always something, isn't it??? And I hate the missing sock thing. I need a great craft idea to put all those 1 socks to use!!!

  6. So funny... that cheek biting thing just happened to me a couple of weeks ago.. so annoying. Also hate burning my tongue with hot food, that always seems to happen more than once too...ugh.
    Great list.. weird how these things are so universal. ;)

  7. Hey you got an award on my blog. Go check it out! :)

  8. You know what, now every time I find a sock has gone missing I am adding the cost of that sock to my charitable contributions for the year. Think the IRS would accept donations to their land? What is the name of that place anyway? I want to get it right after all...

  9. Jenn, you're too funny. :D
    Right now I think the IRS would rather have donations to the USA...will this recession never end ? I couldn't say with a 100% accuracy what this planet is called, though I have heard it was something like
    HopALotpolis or was that PogoMobilis ?

  10. I LOVE IT. You summed it all up. Nicely said. LOL

  11. Soooo funny! This was the best laugh I've had all day! The cheek biting, missing socks, paint tracks, and manicure moments--it all makes sense now after your explanation!


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